"THAT'S LIFE"
by Tony Bender

Maybe you saw the story a few weeks ago in the newspaper.

Three men were busted for answering an ad placed by Moorhead, Minn., police. The ad read: Would you like to get your dumb a-- busted? Call 555-5555.

OK, that's not exactly how the ad read. It was actually offering a “girlfriend experience,” as opposed to a “wife experience,” during which the perpetrators would be castigated for not picking up their socks.

I wonder if it involved a dominatrix? Because I have been a very naughty boy.

Anyway, as evidence that classified advertising works (call this newspaper today), the police were able to lure the three lonely suspects out into the open, where they were cut down in a murderous hail of gunfire and short-range artillery.

Hold it. Sorry. I had these guys confused with real criminals.

Actually, these guys were busted for soliciting sex. Curiously, none of the johns were named John. I think it would be very ironic if a guy named John were busted for being a john. One of the accused wanted a woman to dress as a police officer, so that worked out. He even got the handcuff treatment, just like he wanted. Later, in the holding cell, things veered well away from his fantasy.

One of the guys was busted for soliciting a hug. I know. It takes all kinds.

Since a couple of young girls had their mug shots splashed on the front page about a year ago for engaging in prostitution, lots of folks thought it was only fair that the guys got the same treatment. You know, equality and women's lib and all of that. Many people were mad the mug shots were published at all, because they see this as a victimless crime. That's where I draw the line. We just can't have people running around hugging each other willy-nilly. It will be anarchy! Everyone knows what hugs lead to. That's right. Milk and chocolate chip cookies. And sometimes a bedtime story.

Some crazy, liberal, non-flag pin-wearing peaceniks have suggested this sort of thing is nothing more than entrapment. My friend, Mabel Zimmer, and I got into a heated argument about this. She thinks the sting was just fine and dandy. She's a Republican.

“But the cops created the crime!” I said, playing the devil's advocate.

She thinks the sting was just a way of “flushing out the pervs.”

“But it wasn't fair!” I exclaimed in mock indignation. “Everyone knows readers are incapable of resisting newspaper advertising!" (Call this newspaper for details.)

These poor guys were just minding their own business, reading the Adults Only section of the newspaper, and some ad orders them to 'Call for a good time!' Didn't you ever see “The Manchurian Candidate?” These guys don't stand a chance! If my wife placed an ad in the classifieds to remind me to take out the garbage, it could get brutal.”

Mabel thinks it's high time the cops started enforcing the laws. Like the North Dakota law against cohabitation. “But that is no longer against the law,” I said. “They changed that because there was no way to tell roommates from people who actually liked each other.” I agree, the last thing we need is people living under the same roof who actually like each other. That's almost un-American.

The answer, Mabel said, is a Hug-Cam. The minute one roommate hugs another, the cops would swoop in and drag them off to Moorhead for punishment — which, in itself, may be redundant.

It is all so confusing. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we shouldn't outlaw hugs. But I have an idea that might work. Example: A man walks up behind his wife and gives her a squeeze.

“Mmm. That's nice, Honey, but I am sooo worn out.”

“That's OK. It was just a hug.”

You see? You just declare your intentions. It's like crossing the border into Canada. It's just a business trip.

“Heey!”

“Sorry. My hand slipped.”

I'm not saying there wouldn't be some gray areas.

© Tony Bender, 2008

www.tonybender.net

Look for Tony's funny new novel, “If Every Month Were June” in bookstores and from online booksellers!